To Ask or Not to Ask? That is the Question
Background
We live in a culture that glorifies knowledge. And yet, some of the most important questions never get asked.
Not because people don't care. Not because the information isn't available. But because the act of asking itself carries a cost — to our self-image, to our relationships, to how others see us.
This is the phenomenon at the heart of this talk: the social and psychological cost of asking questions, and the surprising reasons we choose silence even when the price of silence is high.
Drawing on original research conducted with Prof. Yoella Bereby-Meyer at Ben-Gurion University, published in Current Opinion in Psychology (2025), and on decades of experience leading teams in high-tech environments, this talk brings behavioral science directly into the room.
We explore when and why people avoid asking — in salary negotiations, in medical appointments, in boardrooms, in contracts signed without reading the fine print. We examine the psychology of trust, the miscalibrated discomfort we feel before asking a sensitive question, and the gap between how much we think asking will cost us and how much it actually does.
The talk is interactive. The audience doesn't just listen — they participate, recognize themselves, and leave with something concrete: a better understanding of why they go silent, and the courage to ask more, even in the areas that always felt too challenging to touch.
This talk is designed for organizations, conferences, and HR and L&D teams who want to inspire their people to ask the questions that have gone unasked for too long — and for leadership teams who understand that silence in the boardroom costs more than any question ever could. It is particularly relevant for executives, founders, senior managers, and anyone who navigates high-stakes conversations where trust, decision-making, and honest communication are on the line.
Approximately 60 minutes, including interactive exercises. Available in Hebrew and English.
We Won't Spoil It... And Yet...
The Gauge That's Always Set Too High
Have you ever had a question you wanted to ask someone - and didn't?
Not because you forgot. Not because there wasn't time. But because something inside said: "This will be uncomfortable."
Maybe it was about money someone owed you. Maybe it was a question to a colleague about something that hadn't gone well. Maybe it was a question to a business partner you knew you needed to ask - and didn't dare.
So you stayed silent. And told yourself it was the right call.
But was it?
Researcher Einav Hart and her colleagues studied exactly this [1]. They asked people to pose sensitive questions - about salaries, about failures, about things we normally avoid - and measured how much discomfort the other person actually felt.
The result surprised almost everyone:
The people who were asked the sensitive question felt far less discomfort than the askers had anticipated.
In other words - we are not very accurate at predicting how the other person will actually respond.
We have an internal discomfort gauge. And it is almost always set too high.
We imagine the other person's face. The silence after the question. The damage to the relationship. And we decide - before we've even opened our mouths - that the price is too high.
So we don't ask. And we pay a completely different price. An entirely different one.
[1] Hart, E., VanEpps, E. M., & Schweitzer, M. E. (2021). The (better than expected) consequences of asking sensitive questions. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 162, 136-154. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2020.10.014
What Happened to Your Questions?
A four-year-old asks around 300 questions a day [2, 3].
Roughly one every three minutes. About everything. Without shame. Without calculating whether this is the right moment. Without worrying what anyone will think.
And then he starts school.
And at some point - he stops.
Not all at once. Gradually. The classroom norm is to know how to answer, not to ask. The teacher asks, the student responds. Those who ask too much - sometimes feel like they're disrupting.
By the time we reach professional life - the reversal has already happened.
We are excellent at answering. At asking - less so.
Especially when the question is sensitive. Especially when something is at stake. Especially when we're afraid of what people will think if we ask.
I am researching this with Prof. Yoella Bereby-Meyer at Ben-Gurion University - we found that the reason for avoidance is not necessarily distrust in the answer we'll receive from the other side. It's the anticipated social cost of asking itself. What will they think of me if I ask? What might it stir up?
This isn't about a lack of confidence. It's a deep social mechanism we all recognize.
What happened to your questions since you were four?
[2] APPENDICES. (2018). Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 83(4), 135–152. https://doi.org/10.1111/mono.12396
[3] Why do kids ask so many questions—and why do they stop?
The Money Never Came Back. I Never Asked
Have you ever lent money to a friend?
Nothing major. Something small. Because when a friend asks - you say yes.
Then weeks passed. Maybe a month. He didn't mention it. You didn't ask.
The money never came back.
In a PayPal survey of thousands of people, around 75% said they'd rather be in the situation of "knowing someone owes me money and not wanting to ask for it back" - over being the one who owes [4].
Most people prefer to lose the money - rather than ask the question.
At first glance it sounds like generosity. But it isn't generosity.
It's the hidden calculation we run in our heads - before we've even opened our mouths:
"What will he think of me if I ask? Will it sound petty? Will it damage the friendship?"
And so - we don't ask.
What's interesting is that the exact same mechanism operates in boardrooms, in significant conversations, in high-stakes decisions.
We don't ask the co-founder whether he's still committed to the vision. We don't ask the client what he actually thinks. We don't ask ourselves the question that's hardest to ask.
Because the perceived cost of the question always feels higher than the real cost of the silence.
What do you usually choose - to ask or to stay silent?
[4] PayPal Money Habits Study (2015), conducted by Koski Research across the US, Canada, Germany and Australia (N=4,077).
We Sign. And We Don't Ask
There's a familiar moment in every business negotiation.
Both sides have reached an agreement. The atmosphere is good. Everyone wants to move forward.
And then someone suggests closing - and there's one detail that still isn't clear to you. Something important. Something you'd want to ask about.
But you don't ask.
Not because you forgot. Not because it doesn't matter.
But because asking - feels like sending a message that you don't trust.
Research on trust shows that in Western culture, trust is the social default. We expect others to be honest and well-intentioned - and assume they expect the same from us.
This is wonderful when it works.
But it has a hidden cost.
When both parties share the same norm - both preferring not to go into detail, both unwilling to signal distrust - something strange happens: two people who know each other, who trust each other, deliberately sign an incomplete agreement.
Not out of carelessness. Out of courtesy.
Each side assumes the "agreement" is clear to both of them. Each side assumes that if needed - there will always be room to talk. Each side prefers not to appear as the one who doesn't trust.
And then comes the moment when it becomes clear that each side understood the "agreement" slightly differently.
What do you choose - to ask and be certain, or not to ask and hope for the best?
[5] Herold, F. (2010). Contractual incompleteness as a signal of trust. Games and Economic Behavior, 68(1), 180–191. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.geb.2009.05.001